The Knocklofty journalists’ consulting service was established not to provide ways of manipulating the inane, wretchedly pliable and disgustingly venal media to which they are enslaved, but to help to make life a little easier by providing information which will help them get past that deadline and into the bar that little bit faster.

Requests are frequent and often somewhat recondite; for example, the timing of the Italian spaghetti harvest, what was Joseph Stalin’s favourite brand of underwear or George W Bush’s inside leg measurement. These we take in our stride, but recently a very prominent journalist contacted us wanting to know the Latin word for chainsaw.

Our consultant did point out that such things were at best extremely uncommon in the Roman Empire but the questioner was so persistent that eventually our semiotics laboratory concocted a suitable word.

Keep an eye on your local media — it’s going to crop up one day really soon.