Followers of Knocklofty’s staff astrologer Dimity Grimbottom born under the sign of Gemini are likely by now to be wondering when she’s going to get around to telling them at which stop they get off in our tiny planet’s circuit of the Milky Way.
She advises that little of real interest to Geminis beyond the usual births, deaths, marriages and undeserved wins in lotteries has occurred recently and that the universe, as far as they are concerned, will be uncharacterisically stable for as far ahead as her crystal ball, purchased from a very large but not entirely reliable organisation based in Seattle, will allow her to see without an upgrade still awaiting approval from Knocklofty’s financial controllers.
There is, she says, one minor exception. Nothing has been heard from a small and very distant civilisation whose dominant species produces its progeny only at this time of the year — meaning that everyone there is a Gemini — since a rather large gamma-ray burst close to that interesting pinkish crinkly bit near the bottom of the left-hand side of the Greater Magellanic Cloud.
Owing to unforeseen circumstances, Mrs Grimbottom is a little late with this month’s entry.
She is aware that that statement is the oldest astrology joke in the universe; Pliny the Elder is said to have bored just about everyone in Pompeii with it through the reigns of at least three emperors.
TAURUS (21st April to 20th May)
Your robust and characteristically selfish and insensitive approach to life means you can insult people with a clear conscience and still enjoy nursing a feeling of genuine hurt when they bite back.
Adolescent male Taureans are the most toxic sub-species of humanity; they enjoy displays of crude behaviour, especially the production of noises associated with the digestive tract.
Tediously cheerful and blessed with a talent for cheesy geniality, Taureans often develop into the louder sort of back-slapping idiot and share the narrowly prejudiced and coercive politics of Capricornians.
If they rise on the corporate ladder, it’s because of a penchant for bullying rather than for genuine ability.
This month, Taureans will find Pisceans more than usually annoying. Give serious consideration to stopping that habit of trotting out those corny old jokes everyone’s heard a couple of dozen times; it won’t make you happier, but life will be a little more peaceful and less embarrassing for everyone else.